I don’t know what to do. I’m really not one to ask someone out on a date. And I also don’t want him to think I necessarily want to get with him or something. Because I’d never be in a relationship with someone before Loving them, just hoping or thinking that it might turn from love to Love. That’s just dumb, and not to mention, cruel. But I at least want to do something with him. Maybe. Maybe not even a date. But it would be. I think.
It’s just weird. That feeling. I haven’t felt that since the last time Ryan and I slept in the same bed. It felt nostalgic, and nice, but it scared me. I don’t want to fall in Love again. I still haven’t fallen out of the first time. I don’t know. What to do? Maybe start with his number or something. But I don’t think he even has a phone! What a disaster.
I should just Yahoo this.

This song. Means a lot to me.

It’s Thirty Second to Mars’s, The Kill. I first heard it years ago, fell in love with the song. It’s just so catchy. But I didn’t really listen to the lyrics with the deep intentions that they had, until much later.

I decided I wanted to come out in the beginning of January. No real reason, it wasn’t because of a New Year’s Resolution or anything (I think those are stupid anyway, because why wait for a new year to make a change to your life that you’ve been wanting to make all along?), I just felt like I was finally ready.

And the friends that knew that I talked to first about coming out, also knew that I was ready. One comment, that seemed harsh and a little rude at the time, actually really helped me out a lot in the end. “Most people already know, and the rest are going to find out eventually anyway, so it’s probably time to just admit it and stop denying it.” She was right. And I did. And I’m glad I did.

There was no “coming out” experience. I acted around people that didn’t know the real me, as if they had known all along. And not feeling the need to have to tell them this “deep secret” stopped there from being a sort of boundary who I was “then” and who I am “now.” I’m the same person, before and after you know my orientation. There’s no change here.

People don’t have to know, but people will ask if they are curious. I’ve always said no, but starting with my now good friend Ashley a couple months ago, I began to say yes. She had been the only one to ask since January, the rest all just kind of assume, or don’t care, I’m guessing. And that’s good. Because they shouldn’t care. And I don’t mind assumptions anymore. People can assume what they want, this is who I am.

I’ve lost no friends over it. Nobody has treated me differently. It’s just becoming so much more accepted nowadays, it’s becoming less of a deal to “be out” or “come out,” and I’m so thankful to the world for that, for finally beginning to open its eyes that we aren’t of a different breed or species, just have a different orientation.

Of course, if I had told family, if my dad’s side of the family found out, things may be different. Fortunately enough, I don’t really give a damn, because I haven’t seen him or my dad’s dad in a year or two anyway. He’s been in and out of jail so much in the past two decades, it’s just hard to keep count of all the broken promises.

If I did care about them though… For example, if it was my mom that I told and never wanted to see me again, I really wouldn’t mind the words being said to me. Because, I am her son. She’d get over it eventually. Familial love won’t break because of something said, especially, because of who you are. It may take time to accept, and it actually did take a bit for my mother to accept it at the beginning, but in the end, after a couple weeks of not speaking, she came around. As any family member, friend, or loved one will. Because he or she is the one with the problem, not me. And he or she will realize that, sooner or later.

Basically, there’s nothing to tell people. I encourage everyone to be themselves. A wise friend once told me, “It’s not like it’s the first thing someone has to know about you, but it’s not like you have to hide it either.” And that’s exactly right. The rest of the world, that hasn’t opened its eyes yet, the ones that still think it’s a choice, the ones that will burn us at the stake for making this CARDINAL SIN will judge us based on our orientation. There’s no way around that. But there’s no reason you can’t get to know the person first, then have them find out later. And once they know you and already gave you the chance as an assumed “straight person,” there’s much less of a chance that they’ll dismiss you from their life once they know just how good of a person you really are, even as an EVIL GAY MAN.

And who knows… Maybe in those situations, maybe those gay people have the ability to change a mind or two. Them knowing that, this gay person, whether they still think it’s a choice or not, isn’t so bad after all. And even if they still do think it’s a choice, there’s always room to explain, once they are open to listening to you, after becoming friends, that, no, it’s not a choice. I had this chance, and I took it for everything that it was worth, and I’m glad I did. Because I made a great friend out of it.

This friend’s name is Travis. Born and raised in the country, I assumed also born and raised to hate my kind, he was the one I really feared at work finding out, fearing that he would make my life just hell. I started there in September, and come February or March after he finally did find out, after we had already made friends… He was completely alright with it. I was shocked. I questioned him about that just a couple days ago. He told me, that of course he wouldn’t treat me differently. Because I’m cool. “If you walked around like a flamer flipping your wrists and walking like this, (imagine a 17 year old country boy swaying his hips back and forth, FREAKING HILARIOUS) it would’ve been different. But you’re cool.”

I was shocked, I was humbled, I felt like I had a real friend there.
Everybody needs a Travis.

I’m not “that gay,” the one that wears incredibly tight clothing from American Eagle with my hair in the fauxhawk, wearing flip flops, yelling “HEY GUUURRRL” to his ladyfriend across Victoria’s Secret. I could pull off being straight, but I just don’t want to anymore.

Because,

I tried to be someone else…But nothing seemed to change, I know now, this is who I really am inside.

“It’s easy, you just gotta be yourself.”

And when you finally realize that, and accomplish that, you will be much, much happier. Trust me. I’ve been there.

Don’t you ever feel undermined by those that don’t matter. Don’t you ever feel like you’re less than what you are, because of what you are. Be who you are. Be the person he or she loves you for. Don’t let others stop you.

Because you’re perfect.

And if, by chance, you’re at some public location, and you want to hold your boyfriend’s hand, but don’t know if it’s right to do so, don’t question it anymore. Do it. Show yourself. There’s nothing to hide. People will look, people will do a double take, there may even be comments, but if it feels right, don’t let others hold you back. Sure, people will know from the get-go that you are gay by doing this. And it will take time for you to get comfortable with doing so, just as it will take random strangers comfortable with the idea of two men or two women holding hands. But once you get past the uncomfortable stage within yourself, everything else becomes secondary, and all that matters is that you are holding hands with the Love of your life.

And that…is everything.

It all goes back to the first kiss,
It was the one I thought I’d never miss,
“Maybe we were one of the lucky ones.”